Make Your Ex Right!

At some point during my first marriage (we’re talking 40 years ago here), my husband made an observation that prompted him to comment that, in his opinion, I couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time–an expression that clearly predates the electronic age and one’s inability to multi-task.

Despite some rocky times in our relationship over the years, Dad and I had a chance to have many good conversations before he passed away last October. For me, the focus was on acknowledging all the right and good things he had done. And the recognition that no matter the choices he made–even the ones with which I didn’t agree or understand–he had done the best he could. It made his passing less painful and, as much as possible, more fulfilling.

Correct though his observation and comment had been, life moved forward and we divorced. Shelly was and is a kind man. He loved my son, Josh, an expression of affection that was returned in kind. Though we were no longer married, we stayed in touch albeit infrequently. And I appreciated his efforts to maintain his relationship with Josh.

A year or so after the divorce, I was walking with my friend Diana in Hollywood near where we both worked. I was chattering away while keeping a lively pace when the gum I was alternately chewing between breathes and words fell out of my mouth and onto the pavement!

Oh my God, Shelly was right! I couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time!!

I told Diana about the earlier comment from my ex and we both had a great laugh. But the whole matter just wasn’t done for me; there was one more thing I had to do: I had to call Shelly and tell him that he had been right all along!

By now he was living in Chicago, but I called him anyway, long-distance charges be damned! He loved it! And we both had a good laugh. Now it was complete for me; I had closure.

Here’s the point: Life goes on and it just seems like a huge waste of time, effort and emotion to remain stuck in some past time and event. No one is even remotely perfect. Everyone–and I mean everyone (even despicable people you love to loathe), has some admirable quality.

Both of my ex-husbands–as well as boyfriends along the way–have qualities that are worthy of comment. And I feel so much better about myself and my life when I acknowledge those qualities. To do so, one is admitting to not being a victim anymore, even if one felt victimized at one time.

Besides it’s amazing how much better your relationships are when you acknowledge someone for being right. Interestingly, they tend to do more that’s right when we do, and that is really cool!

Yours in love,

Tanii