Planning Divorce, continued…

It really does sound negative to say couples should plan for divorce. I totally get it! So let me explain further.

Per the 1975 Edition of the World Book Dictionary, the verb “plan” is “1. to think out beforehand how (something) is to be made or done…” We could just as easily say we are planning for failure, with divorce being at the tail end of failure for a marriage. Either way, facing the sometimes awful reality that even the best relationships can sometimes end, it behooves us to face the possibility and deal with it before the even unlikely event of it actually happening. I again refer to the lifeboat example.

Son Josh with his fiancé Marina from Moscow. This is a beautiful couple in every way: smart, loving, respectful, fun. They are a great team!

 

It shouldn’t be all that complicated and the key issue that should be addressed is how does each person solve problems? It’s not about making a list of all the things that could go wrong! Yuck! That list could be endless and IS negative! Having this talk simply assumes that life throws problems at us so you’d better find out early on if you and the other person are going to be able to work together to come up with solutions.

As those of you who’ve read my book know, I feel strongly that great and lasting relationships are made up of two people who have a good sense of who they are as individuals and who continue to strive to be themselves in their relationships. Knowing how a person deals with problems gives one important insight into the fundamental character of an individual….kinda good to know before marriage!

Hopefully, both people involved will know each other well enough already, but having this discussion could shed light on important issues not previously viewed. And since people, especially relatively new in their relationships, tend to show their best sides, having this talk may reveal deeper issues needing to be addressed.

There is another benefit here: that a couple who faces the challenge of having this sort of talk, may discover that they have even more in common than they had previously recognized! And those shared realities only enhance their love! I’ve seen this happen! And it’s a beautiful thing!

The only other issue for me about planning for divorce involves the sometimes reality that one partner may discover, mid-marriage, that he or she now recognizes a strong purpose that, if pursued, would make marriage difficult to maintain or greatly change its dynamic. Maybe one person wants to join the military or the Peace Corp and live in Africa. Or changes religions.

When two people care deeply for each other, they will want their life-partner to fulfill profound personal goals and will be willing to work out the best possible solution together, as tough as that might be. I do not believe that people who divorce need to automatically hate each other; nor do I think there is any lasting benefit to such.

Please do not confuse planning for divorce as stated here as a justification for going into marriage with the notion, “Well, if it doesn’t work out, we can get a divorce!” This is exactly the opposite of what I’m saying. Honestly talking about tough issues is being responsible. The former statement is a cop-out and irresponsible.

Hope this helps clarify my last post. I welcome your comments, whatever they are!

Yours in love,

Tanii