Abuse, Part 3

Filters—a Sweeping Manifesto of Behavior

When a woman looks at a man and mentally filters how she will communicate with him based on a sweeping manifesto of behavior, she is not being herself in the moment to honestly give or receive communication. If she is not herself—which she damned well better believe is more than her breast size—how will she share who she is, or be free enough to find out who that person in front of her is deeply, profoundly? Not likely to happen. (This may have something to do with why it takes so long to get to know someone—maybe because it takes so long to strip away all the filters.)

My husband and I knew within a few hours that we were each other’s soulmate—the person we’d been hoping for and dreaming about (though truth be told, in my dreams I did not imagine just how amazing a relationship could be). Factually, Charley fell in love with me at first sighting—long before I knew he existed.

 

Communication: An important key to ANY relationship.

 

I believe we just knew because we had no filters, no preconceived notions about what all men or all women wanted. We knew because there was nothing that stood between us. Just us being ourselves. Any significant differences were more individual differences rather than differences by virtue of gender.

Once the really “important” stuff was there and we had that deep connection, we could then invest in our differences as a man and woman—the frosting on the cake, the fringe benefits that make healthy, loving personal relationships different from relationships we have with others (or so we hope!!).

Beyond the Material—Finding Balance in Profound Connections

None of the above is to say or advise that people shouldn’t talk about sex and how bodies are different and their respective functions, purposes and pleasures. Let’s just make relationships about more than largely material things. And even at that, I think many of our ideas about expected behavior are a function of society and what we learn from the surrounding culture, not necessarily a function of inherent differences.

Let us decide, together, to provide balance. If you are single and looking for love, find experts who take a more holistic view of relationships and who validate the fact that it is the combination of our similarities as people along with our gender-related differences that make for meaningful and loving relationships that stand the test of time.

Let us make sure the messages we embrace and those that we forward promote humanity between the sexes and not put so much emphasis on gender differences that we take away from the fact that men and women alike are amazing and have a lot to offer. Perhaps even in small ways, we can have a positive impact on the extremes of differentiation. Perhaps, working in unison, we can bring men and women together in ways that forward humanity to those we do not know.